I wish I was pretty....

Back when I was in school I was told I was ugly. Every single day, by every boy (ones that were in my class and ones that were in the grades below and above me). Since I believe it was 4th grade till the day I graduated. I was even told by a few of my ex's from Jr. High that the main reason they broke up with me is because they were harassed so much by the other boys just because they were dating me and they couldn't handle it. I wasn't worth the trouble I guess. So after years and years of it being beaten into my head that I was ugly I started to believe it. I rarely wore make-up... and when I did (and now that I look back on it) it wasn't that fantastic. Even to the point when I was in 6th grade I made the mistake of saying I wanted to be a model when I grew up. Boy.... 6th graders can be ruthless. I never been laughed at or made fun of so hard than I was at that moment. And again they reminded me that I was "ugly" and I would NEVER be a model. Oddly enough I believed them.

Then I graduated and less than a year later started going to IGUN (Industrial Gothic Underground Night) in Bowling Green at Uptown thanks to a couple of guys that I met in Walmart while getting my oil changed. It's funny how fate works like that sometimes. Back then I was a nobody at the club. No one talked to me, and no one knew me, and I was WAY too shy to talk to anyone. My fashion sence in retrospect pretty much sucked. I only had a few tops I had got at Hot Topic and some very plain black pants. I had a couple of skirts and my vinyl ballgown that was my Senior Prom dress, but not much when it came to a truly fantatic wardrode like I have today. I would sit on the ledge near the dance floor and watch in awe at all the pretty goth kids dancing. It was amazing. I've never seen people dance like that. People dancing together but not even really touching. Moving their feet instead of just their hips. And the music....wow. I was hooked. For months and months I would sit there, no one would bug me, no one would talk to me. And I would just watch. Occasionally I would get up and dance, but usually it would only be to a Rob Zombie song 'cause it was the only band that I knew prior to going to the club.

Then I went to The Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Cla-Zel for a while and in June 2002 (only about 5 months after regularly attending Goth Night, and 2 months of going to Rocky) a few of the cast members approached me after their show and asked me to join cast. Their reason was "we need more hot chicks" to which I laughed and stated that I was DEFIANTLY not hot. To which I was told I needed to be smacked for saying that. And after that it was a common occurance to have my fellow castmates and audience members making comments to me regarding the fact that they thought I was "hot". I was confused..... me? hot? since when?!? I was told for YEARS by every boy I met that I was ugly! How is it that now I'm this new "hot" thing? I haven't changed that much since I graduated. So I was baffled. To this day when I have people tell me I'm attractive I usually laugh and say "no" or "thank you, but you've only seen me with make-up on". I still don't think I'm pretty, regardless of what people say. I know what I look like when I wake up....it's not pretty. Ask Ange (my sister) she's seen it lol.

Then a few months after joining Rocky people at Goth Night started talking to me, it's common for those people to make comments on my looks. Even to the point the DJ Darkschoir would come up to me just to tell me how "hot" I was...mostly when I was wearing vinyl lol. After years of this I was hanging out with my two best friends at the time Alan, and Kato to which they inform me that I'm hated by girls at the club. Hated?!? To I'm then informed is because I'm considered "the hottest & most popular chick at the club" and the girls are jealous and hate me for it. Even to the point that their own boyfriends are commenting on this fact, adding to the hating of me. This had me baffled and confused the hell out of me 'cause I still barely had people talking to me, and I don't think I'm hot let alone the "hottest" girl at the club. I found it completely rediculous.

A few more years pass and I actually start hanging out with AJ.... the very hot boy who always sat on the speaker across from me at the club. I never in a million years thought he would've EVER talked to me, let alone that we would've dated. He tells me that with my looks I should start modeling....so I figure what the hell, and dive in. It's been quite an experience. My self confidence has MASSIVELY increased. I'm a lot less self conscience about my looks then I was 5 years ago when I first started going to Goth Night. And slowly I've seen this "popular" thing at the club.... and I still find it VERY strange. I have people that i don't even know, and probably have never actually met say "Hi Charity" to me at the club. I'm still not convinced that I'm pretty, most of the pictures I've had taken are of me with a lot of make-up on. It's a VERY rare occasion for a photographer to capture me without. But a few have been lucky. I've NEVER had a picture taken where I've had no make-up on though. All of the pictures in ths post are of me with ALMOST no make-up. I'm wearing at least foundation, blush, and mascara. Gotta cover up the dark circles under my eyes some how....and those are natural....stupid having big eyes. But these pictures make me see them and go......maybe I'm not so bad after all :)